Vans

We rented a big white van today. My wife, Kris, found it at Dollar Rental. To avoid all of the unnecessary point-to-point fees, we drove to JFK (about 2 hours one way) since this is where we will return it on Thursday. Tomorrow will be consumed with moving boxes into a different moving van, so today was our best shot at organizing this.

When Kris and I first discussed the idea, we thought we were clever. Afterall, we are lugging 8 bags, the four of us, and a dog in the maximum sized kennel allowed. He fits comfortably into it with enough room to take a running lunge at the kennel door whenever we hold a treat outside the closed gate.

After working out the paperwork at the front counter, I found my rental tucked into slot #31. It was the only one of its kind. Hard to miss. I looked it over for damage. I opened the back door and found 3 bench seats for 10 passengers in nice neat rows, and thought "this won't do." I walked toward a gate where a rounder-than-me Bronx gentleman was ready to hear just what the hell I was doing.

Me: Hi.

Him: (Silence.)

Me: So I'm bringing this back here on Thursday with my wife, two kids, 8 bags, and a dog kennel with a dog inside of it.

Him: (Silence.)

Me: I'm wondering if I can just leave two of those back seats here with you?

Him: (grunt) Nnnnnnnnnope. (Awkward pause.)

Me: You don't do that, eh?

Him: Nope. We used to. But then ass-hats would drop the van off in some other city, we had to ship or drive the seats there, and it became a whole new kinda mess.

Me: So, any thoughts on how I can get my luggage packed into it? Maybe I can stack the seats or something?

Him: Nope. No idea. (Another awkward pause.)

Me: Hm. Well, I paid for the total liability rider. Maybe I could just drive down the way and toss two of those benches out the window?

Him: You could, but then you'd be sued for negligence.

Me: I'll be in Switzerland.

Him: (grunt)

Me: So is there someone back inside that office I just came from that would take two benches and hold onto them?

Him: With all due respect, sir, I'm the highest ranking employee on this staff. If they tell you any different, I'll have to fire them.

Me: (grunt) So do they promote people here who are creative with problem-solving? Or militant about protocols?

Him: Next.

And so, I left the parking lot with 2 extra bench seats intact, locked into the back of my rental. I quickly called Kris.

Me: There's two extra bench seats in the back we don't need.

Her: What? Well what can we fit there?

Me: 9 or 10 things that have knees and butts.

Her: (Silence.)